so the holidays are here, and with the current situations, i am dreading them more than ever. Normaly the holidays are just a coulpe of months of stress about bills and not having money to by gift for family and (if i have any) friends. But this year comes with a whole new can of worms. First is, that im not sure who if any of my family knows that A and i are getting a divorce. I haven't told anyone bc i am too ashamed. But leave it to my mom to call and rejoice with literally anyone who will stay on the phone long enough. And then there is the whole i'm-obviously-pregnant thing. I try to hide it but try as i might there are just some things that you cannot make disapper. And i do not want to get into that. Mother has informed me that if any one asks she will tell them that it is A's. I wouldn't mind except man that looks almost as bad as saying it belongs to someone i just started seeing! i get knocked up and suddenly want to leave the guy? come on! But i will do my best.
And then there is the new custody issue. A's family is for once going to have a get together on thanksgiving and he wanted Beast to go. I don't mind bc he has every right to want him there and why should he get to be with my side of the family and not A's? But again, mother thinks it is a bad idea and is going to let me know about it all day long. Even tho it really works out better for A to have him while we get everything ready for our dinner, come eat with us, and then for supper, go back to A and see his family. I just don't want to hear it anymore.
I honestly don't think that i will be seeing too much of the famiy this year what with everyone off doing their own thing and not being able to go see Grandma. so i AM thankful for that. Hopefully i can at least keep things quiet until our divorce is final in December. and then there isn't anything anyone can do or say about any of it. i hope. maybe. or it might all just be in my head and nothing will change.
On the prego note, i haven't chosen a dr yet, which i think is making C and my mom nervous. I am officially in week one of the 2nd trimester, and am honestly feeling much better (i think, sometimes its hard to tell). i sleep alot less, but don't feel nearly as tired as i was. Less morning sickness. i cannot eat more that a few bites of anything at a time with out feeling like i have just gorged myself on a 6 course dinner. I am still constantly dehydrated, but at least that is normal for me. The only thing that concerns me at all is that, even with the hardly noticable morning sickness (compared to the last time i was prego) i have continued to lose weight. I went from 170 down to 153 as of this morning. not that i feel bad or anything, its just that if i don't start seeing a definate turn around in the next few weeks, i will definately do something about it. I am going to get a dr, but honestly they don't do anything except tell you you are fine once a month until about month 5/6. then they start all the fun stuff. before that its just a waste of time and money. I know its still there and alive, i can feel it sqwiggle every now and then. and like i said i feel fine, especially compared to last time. Im taking my vitamins and eating well, so there should be no harm in waiting a bit.
Beasty just got over having RSV and a stomach virus for a full week. Poor little guy. He finally went back to school today and i went back to work. Honestly it wasn't a bad little vacation except for him being sick. we spent alot of snuggle time together and i got caught up on some reading. not much sleep for either of us but it wasn't for lack of trying! After all the medicine that he had to have, poor little guy was constipated by then end of things. I was loath to give him his miralax like i normally do bc i didn't want to further dehydrate him, and honestly he hadnt eaten hardly anything so it wasn't too bad at all. we fixed the problem and i think he is feeling 110% better. He was actually excited to go to school today. I think he was tired of my hovering, lol.
He had RSV about this time last year, but i think he got it worse this time. The only good thing was that he actually enjoyed getting his nebulizar treatment. I had them change the medicine to something less scary and less likely to make his little heart explode. And it got to where as soon as the machine kicked on he was dead asleep. And he would actually where the mask this time which helped him get more of the medication in. He is doing so well because of it i think. Last time we had to keep doing the breathing treatments for almost 3 weeks. last night he didn't need it at all. so i think we are done with the whole business. YAY!!!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Happy Birthday Beast!!!
Today is a monumental day. Today my Beast is 2 years old!!! We had decided not to have a birthday party for him, the reasoning being that he is really still too young to understand and be excited by it and that his class is very young and i couldn't think of anything that would be fun for them to do that wouldn't cost a mint. So i am having cupcakes brought to his daycare and A and i are going to celebrate with just our family. I think we will try to take Beast to a movie, we will probably take him to Mc D's to eat and play. and We will probably go do a bit of shopping for him to get him so winter clothes. I went a little over board with the presents this time but i think that i will save some of it for X-mas. A wanted to go to Enid and do all this there but i really (selfish me) didn't want to spend that much time with him and plus traveling is really just stressful on Beast. and its his day dang it not a chance for A to try and win me back. Which wouldn't work anyway and would probably just make us fight the whole time. SO there it is. Happy Birthday to my baby boy!
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Future is out there
Well so after a very hard week with work and pregnancy symptoms and Beast, i have come just a little closer to planning for and understanding how this whole situation might end up working out.
First off, getting Beast weened from me as much as i can stand to. That means getting his own bed and actually sleeping in it. And doing things together without me having to hold him or be within touching distance. Less snuggle time after school and more going right back outside and playing. The bed thing is working out way better than i thought it would. For one, he doesn't get woken up as much by me trying to roll my whale-ish self over on -6 inches of bed, lol. He does get cold easily which has been our biggest hurdle, as i don't want him getting too hot either, bc that usually ends up with him more angry. He usually has a rough start getting to sleep from about 10-1am he's up and down trying to figure out where i have gone and if he needs to come find me. then he sleeps pretty well from about 1am - 7/8am which works out great for me, until i have to get up and get ready for work. He used to sleep through it and i would wake him once i was done, but now i have to get him ready first and hope that he doesn't strip down and try to join me in the shower ( its an act of god to get him back out again lol). i can tell that he is missing me bc i get alot more kisses than i used to, but otherwise i think things are going really well.
Second, things are looking better on the prego front. im nearing the end of my risk period and the symptoms are lessing and i can eat more, which is good. I have lost 15 lbs since my first dr. appointment when i found out. hopefully i can stay at a healthy weight without gaining much. i want to be able to hid this as long as possible. which might not be much longer, as i am already starting to show. but at least its getting cold and big thick baggy clothes are in lol. Mom is starting to get a little more ok with the whole situation, which helps SOOOO much. and i think she might even be excited, assuming of course that everything works out the best it can. C is really helping out alot. very supportive and go-with-the-flow, which is about all we can do at this point. I kinda wish that he could be a little more excited but 1 this is all a huge shock to his life and 2 he just really doesn't get too excited about anything, which most of the time is a great thing. And im sure as things get closer to that he will get there in his own way.
Third thing, and maybe the most helpful in the long run is that i am going to quit my job and go back to school. Mom is WAY for it, C supports it whole-heartedly and it really will be the best thing i can do for the future at this point. I was planning on staying home with the baby and Beast as long as i could once the LO got here, but after the frist year i really think that they need daycare just so that they can socialize and i need to do something outside the house at some point, and provide what i can. And so, if i quit in December and go to school Spring and summer semesters that will get out a whole year for me. The srping semester will end right before the baby's due and then the summer one will start several weeks after, so the timing is great. Then all i would have left to get my teaching degree would be one more full year (and maybe a summer depending on how things work). Then once Beast is old enough to go to school, i will only have 1 to put in daycare and i can work and keep just about the same hours as Beast. I will work out beautifully ( i hope). It just bothers me not to be bringing in some sort of income "now" while im going to school. But i have a ton of grant money and C said that anything i need finacially i just need to let him know. which i doubt i would do but is soooo awesome of him i can't even believe it. And he thinks teaching would be the best job for a mom with kids too. Great hours, same holidays, and im close if they need something. And if im going to school. then regardless of what happens with C and me, i will be more able to support at least me and my kids. maybe not as well as if i had a spouse to share things with, but well enough that we can be our own happy little family.
I know that kinda sounds horrible that i don't plan on forever and ever amen with C but its a self preservation thing. I want that i do more than anything. but i don't want to force the relationship, bc then if it doesn't work we are stuck and i don't want to do that again. If its what he wants and what i want and the time is right then yeah i think we can make a go of this, but i'm just afraid if i press him, he'll run. These are alot of changes to a good life he had, and while they aren't bad changes, they are alot at once, and that can be hard to deal with. So we will just take our time and hopefully everything will work out. And i don't want to start planning on having a hubs to help me finacially and domestically just incase i don't, then we will still be ok, me and my babies.
GAHAAAAA!!! i am sooooooo excited about the LO!!! i just cannot wait for him/her to be here!!!! i never wanted a little girl before, but honestly i'm really starting to like the idea! a little boy would help Beast get into trouble, but a little girl, he could love and protect like a big brother should and they would be soooo cute together. plus little girls get all the cute clothes and the fun toys and i pray every day that she is gifted with my love of reading, so that all those books i loved and saved as a young girl to pass on to my future favorite female family member might go to her!!! i just can't wait!!! and even if its a boy, i will be thrilled. Just thinking about all the fun out door trips and activities we can do as a family, and going to their games and seeing them play together, oh would be awesome!!!
First off, getting Beast weened from me as much as i can stand to. That means getting his own bed and actually sleeping in it. And doing things together without me having to hold him or be within touching distance. Less snuggle time after school and more going right back outside and playing. The bed thing is working out way better than i thought it would. For one, he doesn't get woken up as much by me trying to roll my whale-ish self over on -6 inches of bed, lol. He does get cold easily which has been our biggest hurdle, as i don't want him getting too hot either, bc that usually ends up with him more angry. He usually has a rough start getting to sleep from about 10-1am he's up and down trying to figure out where i have gone and if he needs to come find me. then he sleeps pretty well from about 1am - 7/8am which works out great for me, until i have to get up and get ready for work. He used to sleep through it and i would wake him once i was done, but now i have to get him ready first and hope that he doesn't strip down and try to join me in the shower ( its an act of god to get him back out again lol). i can tell that he is missing me bc i get alot more kisses than i used to, but otherwise i think things are going really well.
Second, things are looking better on the prego front. im nearing the end of my risk period and the symptoms are lessing and i can eat more, which is good. I have lost 15 lbs since my first dr. appointment when i found out. hopefully i can stay at a healthy weight without gaining much. i want to be able to hid this as long as possible. which might not be much longer, as i am already starting to show. but at least its getting cold and big thick baggy clothes are in lol. Mom is starting to get a little more ok with the whole situation, which helps SOOOO much. and i think she might even be excited, assuming of course that everything works out the best it can. C is really helping out alot. very supportive and go-with-the-flow, which is about all we can do at this point. I kinda wish that he could be a little more excited but 1 this is all a huge shock to his life and 2 he just really doesn't get too excited about anything, which most of the time is a great thing. And im sure as things get closer to that he will get there in his own way.
Third thing, and maybe the most helpful in the long run is that i am going to quit my job and go back to school. Mom is WAY for it, C supports it whole-heartedly and it really will be the best thing i can do for the future at this point. I was planning on staying home with the baby and Beast as long as i could once the LO got here, but after the frist year i really think that they need daycare just so that they can socialize and i need to do something outside the house at some point, and provide what i can. And so, if i quit in December and go to school Spring and summer semesters that will get out a whole year for me. The srping semester will end right before the baby's due and then the summer one will start several weeks after, so the timing is great. Then all i would have left to get my teaching degree would be one more full year (and maybe a summer depending on how things work). Then once Beast is old enough to go to school, i will only have 1 to put in daycare and i can work and keep just about the same hours as Beast. I will work out beautifully ( i hope). It just bothers me not to be bringing in some sort of income "now" while im going to school. But i have a ton of grant money and C said that anything i need finacially i just need to let him know. which i doubt i would do but is soooo awesome of him i can't even believe it. And he thinks teaching would be the best job for a mom with kids too. Great hours, same holidays, and im close if they need something. And if im going to school. then regardless of what happens with C and me, i will be more able to support at least me and my kids. maybe not as well as if i had a spouse to share things with, but well enough that we can be our own happy little family.
I know that kinda sounds horrible that i don't plan on forever and ever amen with C but its a self preservation thing. I want that i do more than anything. but i don't want to force the relationship, bc then if it doesn't work we are stuck and i don't want to do that again. If its what he wants and what i want and the time is right then yeah i think we can make a go of this, but i'm just afraid if i press him, he'll run. These are alot of changes to a good life he had, and while they aren't bad changes, they are alot at once, and that can be hard to deal with. So we will just take our time and hopefully everything will work out. And i don't want to start planning on having a hubs to help me finacially and domestically just incase i don't, then we will still be ok, me and my babies.
GAHAAAAA!!! i am sooooooo excited about the LO!!! i just cannot wait for him/her to be here!!!! i never wanted a little girl before, but honestly i'm really starting to like the idea! a little boy would help Beast get into trouble, but a little girl, he could love and protect like a big brother should and they would be soooo cute together. plus little girls get all the cute clothes and the fun toys and i pray every day that she is gifted with my love of reading, so that all those books i loved and saved as a young girl to pass on to my future favorite female family member might go to her!!! i just can't wait!!! and even if its a boy, i will be thrilled. Just thinking about all the fun out door trips and activities we can do as a family, and going to their games and seeing them play together, oh would be awesome!!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Jobs
i am really starting to dislike my job. I work for non-profit and i don't make alot, but that isn;t what bothers me. What bothers me is that everything is literally an act of congress. Everything is so confusing and done in the most difficult way that it can still be accomplished. Everything has a form or six that must be filled out completely and submitted in triplicate. we have no budget to do anything yet they still want the same results that we got when the economy was awesome. its just not going to happen people. and firing everyone isn;t getting you anywhere either, obviously. Nothing can be done with out the regional or national approval yet we run almost completely different than they do and so rarely are we given the ok to do things how they have to be done.
I really wish that i could quit and go back to school. I don't have insurance through my job (missed that boat, stupid me). I could get plenty of finacial aid to help with beast and im not to proud to use PA fo a time so he can go to daycare. But with the little one on the way, i would really like to have some sort of income so that i can be saving it up and getting things ready for her/him. i don't know why i want to go back to school though, because all i really want to be when i grow up is a mom. I want to stay home, be involoved in my kids' life through school and sports and all that. I want to be one of those super moms, where no one can function without her. I want to have a husband that i can take care of and cook and clean for, etc, etc. But that would require that i find a husband that is willing and able to have me stay at home and be a home maker. My last one just wanted a mom and a provider. I was the bread winner and the home maker and all he did was play video games and sleep and go to the gym. and eat. alot.
My new option is wonderful and i think that if i were to get hitched to him he would be the kind of hubs that just wants a wife and mother for his kids, but i not 100% or even 75% sure that that is what he wants or what is going to happen. We talk like it is, but then other times i can tell, he isn't ready to settle down, forever and ever amen. Which is what i am looking for.
I DO NOT WANT TO GET DIVORCED EVER AGAIN!!! no matter what, no matter how bad it gets (1 it will never be as bad as it was with A, just bc i wont settle for that kind of a guy again and 2, C isn't like that) i will stick it out and do everything in my power to make it work. I will be beautiful, and have a sexy hot body again so that he wont find anything prettier. i will shower and get dressed everyday, i will wear at least miniaml make up and try to keep the ponytails to minimum (weekends and evenings when i am cooking and bathing the kids). I will do my wifely duty by hime (as often as our kids and babysitters allow) i will keep an emaculate house and make wonderful eals and never bitch or complain or nag him. I will even go get fixed so that he wont have to worry about any more "accidents". I will be the best wife any man has ever had and then some, just so that i can have a happy marriage and peaceful home.
Well so i think that i have sufficently goofed off for today, or at least for the morning. I should get back to work and get my presentations done and submitted. Pray for me that my HIV/AIDS class with the high schoolers goes well and that i dont end up humiliating or getting myself in trouble.
I really wish that i could quit and go back to school. I don't have insurance through my job (missed that boat, stupid me). I could get plenty of finacial aid to help with beast and im not to proud to use PA fo a time so he can go to daycare. But with the little one on the way, i would really like to have some sort of income so that i can be saving it up and getting things ready for her/him. i don't know why i want to go back to school though, because all i really want to be when i grow up is a mom. I want to stay home, be involoved in my kids' life through school and sports and all that. I want to be one of those super moms, where no one can function without her. I want to have a husband that i can take care of and cook and clean for, etc, etc. But that would require that i find a husband that is willing and able to have me stay at home and be a home maker. My last one just wanted a mom and a provider. I was the bread winner and the home maker and all he did was play video games and sleep and go to the gym. and eat. alot.
My new option is wonderful and i think that if i were to get hitched to him he would be the kind of hubs that just wants a wife and mother for his kids, but i not 100% or even 75% sure that that is what he wants or what is going to happen. We talk like it is, but then other times i can tell, he isn't ready to settle down, forever and ever amen. Which is what i am looking for.
I DO NOT WANT TO GET DIVORCED EVER AGAIN!!! no matter what, no matter how bad it gets (1 it will never be as bad as it was with A, just bc i wont settle for that kind of a guy again and 2, C isn't like that) i will stick it out and do everything in my power to make it work. I will be beautiful, and have a sexy hot body again so that he wont find anything prettier. i will shower and get dressed everyday, i will wear at least miniaml make up and try to keep the ponytails to minimum (weekends and evenings when i am cooking and bathing the kids). I will do my wifely duty by hime (as often as our kids and babysitters allow) i will keep an emaculate house and make wonderful eals and never bitch or complain or nag him. I will even go get fixed so that he wont have to worry about any more "accidents". I will be the best wife any man has ever had and then some, just so that i can have a happy marriage and peaceful home.
Well so i think that i have sufficently goofed off for today, or at least for the morning. I should get back to work and get my presentations done and submitted. Pray for me that my HIV/AIDS class with the high schoolers goes well and that i dont end up humiliating or getting myself in trouble.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Newby
Hello, my name is Sarah. I have never blogged before but i have really gotten into reading and following the blogs of my friends and family, and so i thought "what the heck, i can follow the crowd, just this once".
I am 23, and i have a beautiful little boy, (i will refer to him as Beast, it is his nickname, if you have issues with it, i don't care) and one on the way (i call this one Little One, LO for short, bc i don't know what it is yet and there for have not settled on a name). As of right now, there is no one that knows i have a blog and so no one will prbably follow it, which is fine as i would rather use this as a journal of sorts, or just someone to talk that doesn't judge me.
I am 23, and i have a beautiful little boy, (i will refer to him as Beast, it is his nickname, if you have issues with it, i don't care) and one on the way (i call this one Little One, LO for short, bc i don't know what it is yet and there for have not settled on a name). As of right now, there is no one that knows i have a blog and so no one will prbably follow it, which is fine as i would rather use this as a journal of sorts, or just someone to talk that doesn't judge me.
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