The Future is out there

Well so after a very hard week with work and pregnancy symptoms and Beast, i have come just a little closer to planning for and understanding how this whole situation might end up working out.
First off, getting Beast weened from me as much as i can stand to. That means getting his own bed and actually sleeping in it. And doing things together without me having to hold him or be within touching distance. Less snuggle time after school and more going right back outside and playing.  The bed thing is working out way better than i thought it would. For one, he doesn't get woken up as much by me trying to roll my whale-ish self over on -6 inches of bed, lol. He does get cold easily which has been our biggest hurdle, as i don't want him getting too hot either, bc that usually ends up with him more angry. He usually has a rough start getting to sleep from about 10-1am he's up and down trying to figure out where i have gone and if he needs to come find me. then he sleeps pretty well from about 1am - 7/8am which works out great for me, until i have to get up and get ready for work. He used to sleep through it and i would wake him once i was done, but now i have to get him ready first and hope that he doesn't strip down and try to join me in the shower ( its an act of god to get him back out again lol). i can tell that he is missing me bc i get alot more kisses than i used to, but otherwise i think things are going really well.
Second, things are looking better on the prego front. im nearing the end of my risk period and the symptoms are lessing and i can eat more, which is good. I have lost 15 lbs since my first dr. appointment when i found out. hopefully i can stay at a healthy weight without gaining much. i want to be able to hid this as long as possible. which might not be much longer, as i am already starting to show. but at least its getting cold and big thick baggy clothes are in lol. Mom is starting to get a little more ok with the whole situation, which helps SOOOO much. and i think she might even be excited, assuming of course that everything works out the best it can. C is really helping out alot. very supportive and go-with-the-flow, which is about all we can do at this point. I kinda wish that he could be a little more excited but 1 this is all a huge shock to his life and 2 he just really doesn't get too excited about anything, which most of the time is a great thing. And im sure as things get closer to that he will get there in his own way.
Third thing, and maybe the most helpful in the long run is that i am going to quit my job and go back to school. Mom is WAY for it, C supports it whole-heartedly and it really will be the best thing i can do for the future at this point. I was planning on staying home with the baby and Beast as long as i could once the LO got here, but after the frist year i really think that they need daycare just so that they can socialize and i need to do something outside the house at some point, and provide what i can. And so, if i quit in December and go to school Spring and summer semesters that will get out a whole year for me. The srping semester will end right before the baby's due and then the summer one will start several weeks after, so the timing is great. Then all i would have left to get my teaching degree would be one more full year (and maybe a summer depending on how things work). Then once Beast is old enough to go to school, i will only have 1 to put in daycare and i can work and keep just about the same hours as Beast. I will work out beautifully ( i hope). It just bothers me not to be bringing in some sort of income "now" while im going to school. But i have a ton of grant money and C said that anything i need finacially i just need to let him know. which i doubt i would do but is soooo awesome of him i can't even believe it. And he thinks teaching would be the best job for a mom with kids too. Great hours, same holidays, and im close if they need something. And if im going to school. then regardless of what happens with C and me, i will be more able to support at least me and my kids. maybe not as well as if i had a spouse to share things with, but well enough that we can be our own happy little family.
I know that kinda sounds horrible that i don't plan on forever and ever amen with C but its a self preservation thing. I want that i do more than anything. but i don't want to force the relationship, bc then if it doesn't work we are stuck and i don't want to do that again. If its what he wants and what i want and the time is right then yeah i think we can make a go of this, but i'm just afraid if i press him, he'll run. These are alot of changes to a good life he had, and while they aren't bad changes, they are alot at once, and that can be hard to deal with. So we will just take our time and hopefully everything will work out. And i don't want to start planning on having a hubs to help me finacially and domestically just incase i don't, then we will still be ok, me and my babies.
GAHAAAAA!!! i am sooooooo excited about the LO!!! i just cannot wait for him/her to be here!!!! i never wanted a little girl before, but honestly i'm really starting to like the idea! a little boy would help Beast get into trouble, but a little girl, he could love and protect like a big brother should and they would be soooo cute together. plus little girls get all the cute clothes and the fun toys and i pray every day that she is gifted with my love of reading, so that all those books i loved and saved as a young girl to pass on to my future favorite female family member might go to her!!! i just can't wait!!! and even if its a boy, i will be thrilled. Just thinking about all the fun out door trips and activities we can do as a family, and going to their games and seeing them play together, oh would be awesome!!!

Jobs

i am really starting to dislike my job. I work for non-profit and i don't make alot, but that isn;t what bothers me. What bothers me is that everything is literally an act of congress. Everything is so confusing and done in the most difficult way that it can still be accomplished. Everything has a form or six that must be filled out completely and submitted in triplicate. we have no budget to do anything yet they still want the same results that we got when the economy was awesome. its just not going to happen people. and firing everyone isn;t getting you anywhere either, obviously. Nothing can be done with out the regional or national approval yet we run almost completely different than they do and so rarely are we given the ok to do things how they have to be done.
I really wish that i could quit and go back to school. I don't have insurance through my job (missed that boat, stupid me). I could get plenty of finacial aid to help with beast and im not to proud to use PA fo a time so he can go to daycare. But with the little one on the way, i would really like to have some sort of income so that i can be saving it up and getting things ready for her/him. i don't know why i want to go back to school though, because all i really want to be when i grow up is a mom. I want to stay home, be involoved in my kids' life through school and sports and all that. I want to be one of those super moms, where no one can function without her. I want to have a husband that i can take care of and cook and clean for, etc, etc. But that would require that i find a husband that is willing and able to have me stay at home and be a home maker. My last one just wanted a mom and a provider. I was the bread winner and the home maker and all he did was play video games and sleep and go to the gym. and eat. alot.
My new option is wonderful and i think that if i were to get hitched to him he would be the kind of hubs that just wants a wife and mother for his kids, but i not 100% or even 75% sure that that is what he wants or what is going to happen. We talk like it is, but then other times i can tell, he isn't ready to settle down,  forever and ever amen. Which is what i am looking for.
I DO NOT WANT TO GET DIVORCED EVER AGAIN!!! no matter what, no matter how bad it gets (1 it will never be as bad as it was with A, just bc i wont settle for that kind of a guy again and 2, C isn't like that) i will stick it out and do everything in my power to make it work. I will be beautiful, and have a sexy hot body again so that he wont find anything prettier. i will shower and get dressed everyday, i will wear at least miniaml make up and try to keep the ponytails to minimum (weekends and evenings when i am cooking and bathing the kids). I will do my wifely duty by hime (as often as our kids and babysitters allow) i will keep an emaculate house and make wonderful eals and never bitch or complain or nag him. I will even go get fixed so that he wont have to worry about any more "accidents". I will be the best wife any man has ever had and then some, just so that i can have a happy marriage and peaceful home.
Well so i think that i have sufficently goofed off for today, or at least for the morning. I should get back to work and get my presentations done and submitted. Pray for me that my HIV/AIDS class with the high schoolers goes well and that i dont end up humiliating or getting myself in trouble.

Newby

Hello, my name is Sarah. I have never blogged before but i have really gotten into reading and following the blogs of my friends and family, and so i thought "what the heck, i can follow the crowd, just this once".
I am 23, and i have a beautiful little boy, (i will refer to him as Beast, it is his nickname, if you have issues with it, i don't care) and one on the way (i call this one Little One, LO for short, bc i don't know what it is yet and there for have not settled on a name). As of right now, there is no one that knows i have a blog and so no one will prbably follow it, which is fine as i would rather use this as a journal of sorts, or just someone to talk that doesn't judge me.